feverANDclocks's Xanga

Someday the dream will end...

Fri, 23 May 2008 01:06:01 GMT

Window, window, to the outside world. Yet I don't see the world when I look outside. I look inside. I'm not thinking of those grey clouds, or the dreamlike feeling they invoke. I'm not thinking of the rain or thunder, or even the wind. These elements of nature are not taken objectively for what they are. Each is personified within me. Each is ascribed a feeling, a thought, a dream...

And only then does it hit me. You once had these feelings, didn't you? You once had dreams. Now, in your infinite slumber, you dream no more. You feel nothing, and yet you've come to embody so much. It's amazing really, how long the pain has found substance within this bloodline of ours. They all still mourn you, and they will continue doing so for years. I could see it in their eyes, every single one of them. The way they'd smile weakly, as though to reassure those around them. Or were they simply reassuring themselves? infinite pain, within finite space.

Some day the dream will end, till then, we will continue to bathe in this rain.

Blissful birthday, lost one.

Look inside the mirror

Wed, 21 May 2008 23:55:56 GMT

I am home. Home, within the four walls of silence which embrace me at the moment. Here I sit, and with critical eyes I read your letters. Accusatory as they are, I stagger on with dilating devotion. All the while, my critical eye blinks. And like a bird that's suddenly shot down in mid flight, I come crashing down before your groundless accusations. I am not one to mingle in the trivial pursuit of my image to others. I cannot help what others think of me and frankly, I don't care. But yours words are slightly different. Laced with a small dose of fire, they enter me, searing me. Though I must admit that the feeling is fleeting, it still produces a slight burning sensation. But then, those words have always been there haven't they? The fact that I did not live up to some expectation perhaps? Nothings changed. You still attempt to point the same critical finger at me, only now with accusatory and hostile undertones. That's fine, like I said, I wont stop neither you, or anyone else from doing so. Because in the end, I know who I am, and I know what goes on in this head. So as much as you think you know me, you think you can speak for me, you will never get it right.

Perhaps my silence comes off as hostile. And I admit that the first stage of it was leaning in that direction. That time, however, has long ended. At the present, there is only me, and my thoughts. I am for the moment out of range from humanity (or I'd like to be). And I don't mean this in some negative way.. I just simply desire for myself those things which I have long neglected. Having said all this however, I do feel an urge to extend some sort of invitation to you old friend. The next time you suspect something ill of me, why not ask me? Why choose the road of speculation? Are you not the lover of clarity? Just keep in mind that we are no longer under any obligations to one another. Neither you, or I. So live on, live as you must. Do not trouble yourself with me. Consider me not one single bit in any of your activities/decisions. That hour has long expired.

And with this, I enter into a new one.

Conflict-resistance.

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 18:14:42 GMT

-The Door

I am the door

the promise

the hope

the night caucus of your soul

forgotten

but never to be ignored

I am the voodoo doctor

the rapture

the curse

the eternal cancer in your heart

intangible

but undeniably yours

I am revulsion

Perpetual devotion

the source of your internal commotion

unyielding to words

exquisitely unfolding

before your nightmares

and the kings magic sword

I am the crow bar

the villain

the tower of Babel
the suicide bomber

resistance

can't hold me no more

I am the conflict

the tower

the sword

and I am knocking on your door.

Chaotic reflection.

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 06:53:21 GMT

So I been thinking as of late. Pondering the questions once posed. What is that he needs?

But as he pondered, he began to thaw out. Re-discovering the things he once knew, but in a different light. It felt good. The problem? He moves to slow. I mean, maybe its not even that.. maybe he just started too late. After all, can an object who started late ever hope to catch up to another object who is traveling ahead at the same pace? Whatever.

When you start to look at people in a new light, suddenly they loose their light. That essence that once permeated from them becomes very human. For instance, Parents. They are not higher than the child. Police, same shit. Presidents, soldiers, priest, shamans, preachers, doctors, activists, actors, super stars, scientists, lovers, all the same. It all boils down to one thing; that they are human. Human, human, human. So why all the reverence for these people? Why give them all your trust or unconditional love? Love isn't blind. That's stupid. Love is consciousness, engagement, confrontation, and eventually respect. Love is something that has to be re-examined in our modern day society, because it is quite clear that we have no fucking clue what it is. Chemicals? That's part of it, but there's more to it. After all, can a druggie be in love with his drugs? No, thats attachment, reliance, dependancy, obsession... not love.

As for blind trust in our "professionals"? (doctors, judges, police, politicians, soldiers clergy, etc) Well, so what? they're still people. They are very much capable of committing just as many mistakes as you or I. They do not require your blind devotion/trust. This whole obsession with being "nice" or not being "rude" has got to stop. These people are often made to feel privileged and above the rest of us because of this. They are not above you, and deep inside they know this too. However, we ourselves help convince them otherwise by our refusal to engage in reality.

Fuck. I completely went off. Well I guess it had a connection but still.. the point here is reality, truth, life. Whatever. This is what the answer to the aforementioned question, "what is it that he needs?". He needs it because he once had it and now feels deprived.. no, robbed of it.

The new question then remains...

If he has what he seeks, then why does it feel incomplete? Why does it.. elude him?

Into the darkening...

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 18:17:44 GMT

And so it goes...

The feel of this years democratic primaries have, from the beginning felt like a circus freak show. Hey, look at the women trying to be a man! Hey, look! black guy trying to be a white man! I mean not that the prospect of having a woman or black president isn't a big deal, but the way the media has played it is well, just down right questionable (to put it lightly). But hey, what can we expect from the crap we call the "media" nowadays? *Shivers*.

I'm writing this because to be honest, I'm not quite sure what is bothering me about this race. All I know is that something is amiss. It's like a storm beyond the horizon in which no one can see but through the electricity in the air, the rise in humidity, the shifting winds, the scent of wet dirt, you know is coming. Maybe that was a bad analogy. I'm not suggesting that something horrible is coming out of this.. just the feeling that there is something almost sinister which I can't perceive. The media, duh.. but something else. Why would the media focus so much attention on the woman vs black (representative of minorities) aspects of the race?

First of all, everybody who has ever been into progressive politics knows that women and people of color have made huge strides in bridging their causes together as of recently. And though there is still much friction between women and men (mostly created by men), the advancement of both causes continue to grow. I keep thinking about the still small, but ever growing anti-war backlash going on in the country. The fact that women, and people of color have been very critical of the war has been something that has brought many groups together. And lets face it, our government loves unity, especially when it is an oppositional force. So what does the government have to do with the medias portrayal of this years election? Well, one only needs to look at the strangle hold the government now has over the media to understand. Go back in time, say Vietnam era and look into media archives from that era and tell me what is different now? Censorship. This also explains why Americans haven't reached critical mass when it comes to the issue of ending the war. Of course, like most things, the truth has a way of slipping out and as more and more people start learning bits and pieces of the truth the anger begins to propel them a new direction. One of opposition. So what does an administration hell bent on war do to turn the tide or at least deflect some of that hostility?

1) Give them "hidden" boogie men to fear/hate or simply divert their attention. (This has the dual purpose of diverting peoples attention and dividing them).

-Immigrants

-Terrorist

-Threat of nuclear war (an all time favorite)

-Poor people who leech of the system

-woman vs. black president!

2) Give them government handouts to the poor, or even better handouts for the wealthy disguised as help for us all.

-Raise minimum wage

-Tax breaks

-Cut interest rates

-Economic packages

-Economic assistance to third world countries/tour poor nations. -_-

Just to name a few...

Hmm, but then I can't help but wonder, am I over analyzing things? What if all these things are just coincidental? What if the media is just responding to the trends that bring them more profit? But does that make sense? Does a lack of decent coverage of war lead to higher profit/viewers? Sounds a bit farfetched if you ask me. And so, though I admit that all these thoughts are based of opinion and educated guesses at best, I cannot deny the nagging pull that something is terribly wrong.

And to tell you the truth, I don't think that the attention garnered by these two candidate stops simply there. The sinister aspect which is much harder to grasp still eludes me. It could very well be a manifestation of "hidden" beliefs that women, no matter what color, are still inferior to men. Heh, I guess that is one of the reasons why this bothers me (among others). The fact that an inexperienced but charming man can and will beat a women of great experience. This isn't some appeal to people to change their minds about Obama, because frankly, I am one of his supporters. Still I can't deny those prevailing feelings of suspicion that I've described.

I think I will stop here for now. And though I walk away from this with a strong sense of confusion, I at least feel that the unraveling of the truth has been set in motion. I may or may not change my mind as more things become apparent in the months leading up to the elections. I will watch critically, I will continue to be a student to the truth, but I will reject all forms of absolute truths as well.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Sat, 16 Feb 2008 06:39:28 GMT

Untitled (July 15)

Isolation within bottles

no one ever heard your color

standing tall

the inevitable fall was hallowed

Given reverence sounded hollow

Strong voices weakened into softer shrews

And with indignation in each hand

she would grace the stage

bucking, into a new age

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Sat, 16 Feb 2008 04:14:36 GMT

Untitled

I dreamt the gift of water

clenching my once strong face

who was this man staring back?

drinking, I gave my self hope in litters

sustaining the gift of fire

whiskey burns harder

kills faster

so run we shall

over dreamscapes and vast delusions

containing the gift of a single breath

I had long ago ceded

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 10:00:50 GMT

Well, well well.. changes are a brewing kiddos. For the few old subscribers I guess (not that many of you still use this).

It's ok, I'm not hurt =(.

Anywho... as I was saying. Oh, sorry, momentary lapse in memoria (yes, that was intentionally spelled that way). I'll still post the ocassional poem or rant or whatever you wish to label them (really, label as you please!). The difference? Well.. that I think I'll use this as bit of mental/writing practice. I mean after all.. I do claim to wanna major in philosophy and possibly pursue some sort of political activity.

I guess you could consider this a disclaimer of sorts *shrugs*. But the fact of the matter is I could really give a rats ass what you think. This is a personal (but obviously not private) journal and as such I am the master here! muahaha.. (hooray for totalitarianism!). Of course, that doesn't mean I am not open to any comments.

Please comment! I get lonely...

Hah. =/

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 08:03:59 GMT

-The Child

Growing contempt

Illusions no longer viable

No more excuses

Solutions not for sale

Over the eyes of some innocent child

Existence is pleasure

Impulses rule the mind

Pervading all with a sense of awe

When instinct gives rise to all that is

Illogical ideologies cannot hide the fact

Nor can you escape the truth

For it lives within you

Pumping through veins so red

A glimpse of all that is..

The pleasure in a simple fact

To live within the instinctual act

Of living,

and what it means to love.

One of those things that just write themselves...

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 07:00:47 GMT

...not even I know the meaning (yet). =/

-Weaving

Weaving inside of my head

Complacent lullabies spinning like thread

Twinkling light spurred on by solar rays

I caught the world in a single gaze

Vacating mind

Into the pit of decay

From which I look

Yet never did understand

I travel the length of a hand

Walking in semi-circles

Hoping to loose you

Somewhere out there…

And still yet

I find myself caught in the web

Watching the light trickle down the thread

I bide my time

Because I know how that light feeds you

I know how it defeats you…